Friday, March 13, 2015

FATHER AND SON

I've been listening to Cat Stevens today and his music is really connecting to me, particularly Father and Son. It seems to me it's about that point in a parent child relationship where it becomes harder and harder to communicate. The Father is trying to tell the son what he knows of life, and the son is doing what all children must do, be independent. The father tries to speak about putting things in perspective, the son feels everything so keenly and rawly and needs to act, to be.

I'm a father of three, two boys and a girl. People overhear conversations I have with the kids on the phone or hear about what we are doing or see posts on facebook, and they say you are a great Dad. Well I'm not a great Dad. I'm too hard on all of them, I don't know any other way to be. I see them doing things wrong or making bad decisions or taking the easy way out and I try and correct it. I try and point out what they are doing wrong. Why you shouldn't stay up until 3:00 AM texting friends on a school night, why you need to keep track of your things, why you need to put the cap on the toothpaste, why when you spill something you need to clean it up, why you need to hang up your towel, why you need to take an interest in people, why you need to communicate your feelings. I do these things to the degree that even I think I'm a Dick sometimes. But I don't know any other way. When I see my kids hurting I need to say "What's wrong?" When I see my kids being irresponsible I need to say "Hey! come back and do that right".

So All that is what it is, it's not even what I've been thinking about. All I can say about that is I don't know how not to say "Put the lid back on the peanut butter". I don't know how not to ask "What are you doing in your room when you say you are doing hoomework, since you haven't actually done any homework?" I do think, that it's doing things like that though, that keep them from opening up to me about other things. I know that even if that weren't the case there are things that we all want to communicate to our kids but they will never be able to hear. It was like that when we were them. When I was the age of my oldest I was working full time, had a drivers license, a serious (way too) girlfriend, was involved in groups and activities at school. I vaguely remember my Dad saying something along the lines of "Just relax, take it easy.You're still young, that's your fault, There's so much you have to know." I think I heard him say that , but I can't be sure because I couldn't really hear him, I think he might have been too old to be heard.

So what do I want to tell them that they can't hear. I want to tell them and have them understand, really understand, that I love them. That I'm hard on them because I'm afraid, I'm afraid of what happens to them when I'm not there anymore. I want to tell them that they need to take things seriously, they need to do their work, they need to learn how to do the things they don't want to do. I want them to understand that the work you do allows you to do the fun things you want to do. Work is not something you do when you get bored of all the fun stuff. The work is what you do, and then when it's done, you do what gives you joy. I want to tell them that the luckiest people in the world are the ones that love their work, but that to get to that point you have to do work. If you think you would love teaching sign language, then you need to learn sign language. You also have to get a teaching degree so you know how to teach sign language to someone, and someone will pay you to do it. That means taking the time to get decent grades in school and going to college. And that's where doing the things you don't want to do, so that you can then do the things you want to do, comes in. If there is a certain type of life you want to have, then you need to find out what it takes to have that life, and do the work to get there.

I want to tell them that they should try and be one of those lucky people who do what they love. But they have to realize that they need to make a plan for that to happen. If you don't want to spend your life in a cubicle doing something you have little interest in. Then figure out what you want to do and how to do that. It will not happen to you, you have to make it happen. You have to make a plan, you have to execute the plan, you have to invest yourself in the plan. If you do, you can do anything. If you don't, you end up just doing something. You have to do these things now while you are young or you spend the rest of your life playing catchup or trying to get the time or energy to follow through on what you wanted to do. You are only young once, which means you should enjoy it, but it's also the only time you ever get when you don't have to provide for yourself, someone else will, allowing you the time to focus on your future. "For you will still be here tomorrow, but your dreams may not".

I want to tell them that even though it seems like I don't get it, I do. I know it's hard to start your homework, I know it's more fun to watch a movie, play a game, talk to a friend then it is to do your assignments. I know Math is stupid and that doing dishes sucks. when you get older, math is still stupid, but you need to be able to balance your checkbook and it comes in handy for that, and doing dishes still sucks, but you need clean dishes to eat off of. There are things you can do to get over the inability to do these things. The hardest but most important is to just condition yourself to do them. When dinner is done get up and do your dishes, that way it's done and you don't let it slip into a insurmountable pile of dirty dishes. When you get home from school do your homework, don't leave it until the end of the night when you are tired and tempted to lie and say it's all done rather than deal with it. When you get up in the morning jump in the shower and brush your teeth, make it a habit, then you are ready for whatever comes. Make rules for yourself and hold yourself too them. I will read at least one book a month to educate myself expand my understanding of my fellow man and for enjoyment. I will brush my teeth every night at bedtime. I will not go to bed with homework that is due the next day undone. all of these things will make your life smoother less stressful and ultimately happier.

Take control of your life, your time, whether it's something you have to do or something you want to do. If you have to do it, just get it done. If you've got free time, do something you want to do, don't waste it being bored or flicking through your iwhatever. you want to play a video game play a video game. you want to watch a TV show, watch the TV show you want to see, don't flip channels, there is always something on but don't just watch something, watch what you WANT to watch. If what you want to watch isn't on, read a book, ride a bike, talk to a friend, do a puzzle, write a play, make a movie. It's as important to use your free time wisely, as it is your work time.

Finally remember that I do Love you

"I was once like you are now, and I know that it's not easy"

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

I WISH either of MY parents had the insight into their own short-comings (as parents) to lay it all on the line in this manner. Ah, the 70's. No such thing. But I (remaining anonymous) will say that you sound like a great dad! Don't be so hard on yourself. Think about the big picture and all that you ARE doing so AMAZINGLY well. THINK about that! Nothing really prepares us for parenthood so we do the best we have with WHAT we have and it is what it is. Which....for the record is OKAY! Good on you!!! Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

First I want to say we do the best we can. With that give them the best start they can have. That is your only job. Give them the best foot forward in life. By finding what your child likes and is good at you can point them in the right direction. It is you that helps get them to and from places and signed up for things. That is what makes you a great parent. I wish I could have taken a photography course or a kick boxing class but I didn't have parents like that. I don't think you should sign your kid up for everything under the sun but something that will get them going in the right direction. Also you care and that means more then you will ever understand, just because of how you grew up. I remember my friends dad wouldn't let her cross a busy highway when we were kids and when she said her dad said she couldn't that always stuck with me because my dad never said no. Sometimes by being a dick you are being the best dad they could ask for! They are listening just keep talking and it will sink in but it takes time. That is all I have for now. Great blog and keep them coming!

Dunkproductions said...

Thanks for the comments, it's always nice to know someone is seeing what you do and your comments are really encouraging, as a parent we all need encouragement somedays more than others to keep trying our best, which is all anyone can ask of us.